FertiStories showcases the unfiltered experiences of women on their reproductive journey. Today, we spoke with Abisola Olutokun, a once TTC Mom who recently welcomed her bundle of joy, on the struggles of the Trying To Conceive (TTC) phase and how she managed to navigate the journey. Dive in below to read our chat! ⬇️
Tomi from Fertitude: Hello Mrs Abisola, we’re happy to have you here!
Abisola: Thanks Tomi. I’m happy to be here as well!
I’ll start with an ice-breaker, what’s an interesting fact about you?
Hmmmm! I think I can be a mix of cool and razz. I grew up in Ibadan, Nigeria and I currently live in Canada. It means I can literally switch up my accent in a minute. I can go from my Canadian accent to my staunch Yoruba-English accent.
Okayyyy, I think I want to experience that before this call ends.
Okay then, let’s see!
Another ice-breaker question, What would you say is your favorite motherhood chore right now?
Oh Tomi, you see me! ‘Cos I tell people that as much as motherhood is quite fun and cute, it’s still work. I think a chore I enjoy at the moment is changing my son’s diapers. It’s a bonding moment for us because we sing, dance and all that fun stuff to get him to cooperate. It also helps me get a round look at his body asides bath times, checking to see if he might have a rash or something I should note.
Oh, that’s really cute!
Thank you!
Now that the atmosphere is lively, we can move on to more serious stuff
Sure!
When you first got married, was it in your plan to have kids immediately? From research, we’ve seen that quite a lot of people delay conception after marriage. Was that the case for you or you didn’t mind having kids immediately?
The plan I had with my husband was to wait for a year and start having kids afterwards. We got married in February 2020 so, February 2021 was when we planned to start actively looking forward to a baby.
Why so?
We were a long distance couple for the most part of our relationship. When we finally got married and got together, we decided to take that one year to build our friendship, get into each other’s space more, go on dates and just enjoy each other’s company.
How did you feel when motherhood started taking longer than you had hoped? Tell us about your TTC journey and what waiting was like for you in that period.
Oh, I was shocked! I expected things to be straight forward. All my life, things have always fallen in place for me. I’ve never really had to worry about stuff not working out because they always did. After that one year, at the end of February 2021, I used the pregnancy test kit, expecting to be pregnant and I wasn’t. I couldn’t understand it. I got married as a virgin, I never experienced any sexual or reproductive health issues before marriage, so what was happening?
The same thing happened in March, then April and it became a monthly thing. The realization started setting in slowly. You hear testimonies in church of women who waited for 10 years, 15 years, 27 years to have kids and I started to wonder if that could be me.
I couldn’t understand what was happening, so I went down the rabbit hole of research because I started to feel like there was probably something we weren’t doing right. I was on a diet spree trying different additions to my meals to aid fertility.
After a few months of trying, I eventually got pregnant and just about two weeks after finding out, we lost the pregnancy. It was so devastating. Majorly devastating because we couldn’t really draw a straight line from my condition to any diagnosis. I was told I had fibroids which was so insignificant because it wasn’t close to the uterus at all. In fact, they said it was so tiny so it wasn’t hindering anything. They said a few things about our health which didn’t point to our situation of not being able to conceive. So, the question of what could be happening rang in our minds a lot.
I can only imagine, I’m so sorry
Thanks Tomi.
What were some of the emotions you felt in your waiting period?
I first felt shocked and then sad. But then, an emotion people rarely talk about is that feeling of loneliness. I felt like nobody could understand me most of the time. I’m a Christian, so my community is mostly people in the faith as well. Sometimes, my emotions were dismissed unknowingly because they didn’t understand.
Phrases like “Just trust in God”, “Go and fast and pray”, “Look at Job in the Bible” were quite triggering sometimes.
I knew they meant well, but that wasn’t what I needed at certain times. I do believe in God and his abilities but my fears are valid too.
The only time in my TTC journey I felt relief was when I found somebody who had gone through a TTC phase. When we spoke, I understood where she was coming from. It made a lot of sense to me because she had first-hand experience. It wasn’t someone giving me theory, she had lived it and I could relate to the experiences she shared.
Another emotion I felt was neglect, like God was looking down at me and he would not hear me.
At some point I felt like I was depressed as well. The only reason why I didn’t consider suicide was because I knew it was not an option, lol
When you talked about that feeling of loneliness and finding community, I felt so in tune with you because that’s one of the reasons why Fertitude exists, to enable women, interact with others on the same journey as them. There’s a feeling of safety it gives that allows you freely express your emotions with people that just get it, without the fear of being misunderstood or judged.
Yes! Women need communities like these! They should be able to talk to people that have gone through it, not people who are oblivious to those experiences. Because your feelings will be dismissed and they won’t even realize it
Thank you so much for sharing this story. What is something your TTC journey taught you?
Learning about your body is a no-brainer. In fact, I believe medical checks are very important before marriage or as soon as you get married. For instance, I realized through this journey that you can be as young as 21-23 and you may be approaching menopause in terms of the quality and quantity of your eggs.
It’s not too early to check yourself medically to know where you stand so you can make informed decisions. There are people I have seen on this journey that their bodies can’t have a child until five years after their first. There’s nothing specifically wrong with them, it’s just their body.
I believe that when you know these things early enough, you won’t make a blind decision. For instance, someone who wants to wait 3 years before having a baby, what if 3 years from then will be too late?
Oh yes, this is so true. I think my next question will be how you were able to manage pressure, both internal and external on your journey?
Let me talk about the external one first. Thing is, no one comes at you, demanding you get pregnant like you see in Nollywood but there are subtle remarks like “Try to have one at least”, “We can’t wait to see your baby” etc etc.
Quite frankly, it put pressure on me to an extent because it was like asking me to do something that I had no control over.
There’s also internal pressure. I see pregnancy announcements and baby showers online and I just wonder if it will ever be my turn. Internal pressure fuels worry a lot! I start wondering if I’m not trying enough, maybe I’m not eating the right meals or seeing the best doctor, etc.
I’m Christian so one way I managed pressure was in the place of prayer. I also try to look out for things that are currently working out in my life and cut myself some slack. I have a good job, a great marriage, a loving family, infertility is just one bit of the entire story that quite frankly, isn’t my fault so I’m always going to be fine.
What would you say is a role that your friends and family played in your TTC journey?
I had a pretty good support system. I became the prayer point of everybody. I would have lost my mind if I didn’t have a supportive family, because the TTC process is first, mental before physical.
Knowing that I had a community of people praying for me felt quite reassuring. As much as there were certain times I didn’t feel understood, there were so many other times I felt safe and important. And it’s so cute to me because during times where I felt like God was silent, they held me up.
Also, I was in sync with my partner so it was easy to be vulnerable with him and vice-versa, he reaffirmed me every single time and we found different means to make ourselves happy.
My next question, were there any self-care practices you indulged in to help you stay grounded?
I took a lot of social media breaks in my TTC phase. Every time I saw a childbirth announcement or pregnancy post was a constant reminder for me, so I just disappear once a while. Don’t get me wrong, I was genuinely happy for them but after the celebration, I’m back to thinking about my situation. Taking social media breaks was my way of protecting my headspace when I didn’t want things to get to me.
I believe that everyone should find what works for them. For me, it was also the calm atmosphere during nail appointments that did it for me. It also meant that I went quiet a lot. I can’t say it’s a good thing but it helped tune out noise and focus on what’s important.
Another thing I did was to go on dates with my partner. When my husband starts suspecting that things are already getting to me, we just go out to very fancy places to eat out, see a movie or play games
Let’s fast forward to the moment you found out you were pregnant, with your baby, after trying to conceive for a while. How did you feel?
If I tell you how I felt, it’s probably not something you’d be expecting, so I’ll provide some context first.
I had gone through two pregnancy losses, one of which was ectopic, we then opted for IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) and it failed, IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) as well and it failed. When I saw the pregnancy test stick, I had mixed emotions. First, it was a bit of excitement because it was after coming back from a failed IVF, it meant the pregnancy came naturally. However, I chose not to be so excited because it wasn’t my first pregnancy so, we wanted to protect our emotions so our hopes won’t be shattered again. I was basically trying to be less emotionally invested so I wouldn’t be so heartbroken if anything should go wrong.
However, as the pregnancy progressed, I started looking forward to little milestones on the journey – from the ultrasounds to ascertain that the pregnancy was in shape, to finding heartbeats to the baby developing. Before we knew it, we passed the 12 week mark, and then we reached 24 weeks and finally maturity leading up to his birth. The milestones were what kept us going.
Is there anything you wish you had known or you had done differently on your TTC journey?
To relax!
Tomi, you had no idea how worked up I was. We kept trying and trying, doing IUI, IVF, and all that stuff because it felt like we were running out of time
Now that I’m a mum, I’m realizing that the work required is basically for the rest of my life. I felt I should have done more for myself in that waiting season.
I think it reminds me of the story of our founder, Dr. Kieva. She has this quote that goes thus-
“Because I have mostly known what to expect, I do not feel helpless throughout my PCOS or TTC journey. It’s like having a fever when you have malaria. Even though it feels like you might die, you know you won’t die”
She often explains that she’s in a better state of mind knowing what the journey requires. She’s able to stay grounded and tune out the worry because she’s well informed.
Honestly, I agree
What message or advice would you like to share with other women who are currently navigating the challenges of TTC?
I’ll tell them that it might seem like they’re alone on the journey right now but the truth is, they aren’t. I’ll also tell them that because it looks this way right now, does not necessarily mean it will end this way. Try to enjoy each day, it’s going to be hard, but you’ll be glad you did.
One thing I’d like to stress on is that they make good use of the season. For instance, this may be a good time to get another degree if that’s something on your bucket list, seeing that you have the time now. If you have projects you want to execute, please start. Begin that investment now and don’t just wait. Your life shouldn’t be put on hold because you’re trying for a baby.
If there’s anything you want in life – professionally, financially, educationally, spiritually. Please pursue it.
Also, find community, it could be just one person you can be vulnerable with, that understands how you feel.
Thank you so much for speaking with me, Mrs Abisola, this was such an enlightening chat.
You’re welcome!
If you’re a TTC Mom, you heard Abisola, finding community is one of the best things you can do for yourself on this journey! Good news is, you have one in Fertitude. We are a platform for women to access peer and expert support on their reproductive journey, we do this by connecting you with other women in similar stages and also vetted professionals beyond an OBGYN, who will provide tailored care and support.
